Lord help me. I've gone to thinkin'.

My Grandfather says, “When you go to thinkin’, you weaken the ball club.” Yet lately I can’t help myself. I have been contemplating the pros and cons of finding my blood parents. I just can’t stop thinking.

Many adoptees feel incomplete. They look for their “real” parents to fill in a void. That isn’t me. I feel complete. My life is full. My real parents are the ones that made a man out of me. I am content with the family I have. I belong.

My motivation is different. I have something tugging on my heart. There is a stirring in me. It is strong. It hasn’t been there long but it is overwhelmingly strong. I can’t help but wonder if this is God’s Spirit leading me. Could it be that this is not about me at all? Could this be an undeniable calling? It sure feels like it. I don’t want to fill a void. I want to take this load off.

So why do a struggle with this? My life is full of troubles and I don’t want to add to them. I wonder if I am about to open up a can of worms. Would this put another strain on my family?

If this is a calling, I guess nothing else really matters. I’m not going to shirk my duty and hop a ship to Tarshish.

Lord, when I do your will, I am invincible. When I don’t, I’m a toddler walking through a war zone with a cap gun. So make it clear to me. What do you want me to do? Make me brave, strong, wise and pure. Bless me with your greatness because I am just a little fella in a big white hat.